When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize