mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
