I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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