You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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