If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
