So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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