Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
