Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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