I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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