I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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