just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
