Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
