I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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