I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
