Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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