I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
