Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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