My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
