I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
