I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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