Nicole vs. Life
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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