you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
