a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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