I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
