You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
