jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
