The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
