Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
