can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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