My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
