Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
