I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Randomize
