he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize