Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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