I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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