I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Randomize
