did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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