I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
