6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
