They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
