Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I touched a dick in church today
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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