I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
