while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
