I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
