My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
