He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
