Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Dear god my vagina.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
