Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
my poor anus
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
