Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
