I just saw a hot homeless man
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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