I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
