my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
