You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
