Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
