you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
