Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
