Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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