Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
