also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
