My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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