I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
