Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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