omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
