I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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