my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
