mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
