I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
