Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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