I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
