you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
