Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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