i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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