Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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