If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
