i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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