Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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