Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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