I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
