So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
