You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
