I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
