ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
